Hello again.  This is Susan from myketaminestory.com.  Welcome to my Ketamine blog for the Boise Ketamine Clinic website.  I am excited to have another platform on which to share my experience with Ketamine treatments, in hopes of educating others on the potential this drug has for helping those, like me, with Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD).

I made it to Ketamine day.  I have been on the outskirts of depression multiple days now.  I am actually surprised that the depression filters have not destroyed me yet.  It is like a force field.  I can feel it radiating towards me, but it looks like my Ketamine shot will occur before it can wrap its claws into me.  I am grateful.  I am also blessed to have a wonderful supportive husband and son.  They love me as I am, Illness and all.

I am dealing with enough; a deeper demon now.  My anxiety.  The chronic pain in my hands the intensity is plenty to cope with.  I can’t seem to combat the anxiety and OCD tendencies.  I need more help.  I need clarity.  I am afraid.  I lack courage, but I am forced to face my demons.  I have an appointment to see my doctor today for Ketamine, and hopefully, I will be strong enough to believe my life is worth saving.  My anxiety wants to kills me and all that I strive to become.  May I find an answer or solution to why I am experiencing physical pain and overwhelming anxiety.

I am terrified. I am longing to get answers, hoping, but more so I need relief.  I am suffering insomnia badly because of the pain and terror.  It is constant 24 hours nonstop.  I am also paralyzed with fear.  It is choking me.

I am obsessing about how this will never end and how unbearable it is.  And what is the point? I work so hard.   I endure.  Why?  I still honestly feel in the pit of my stomach that all this work won’t kill the beast and in the end, my end, this illness will surely kill me by my own hands.

Yeah, right there on the outskirts of hell is where I am standing.  You think it is hot, but it is cold as a bitter winter and you are completely naked.  I long for that down jacket.  I can see the poison and taste it on my lips.  I am pushing back.  I write and discover that my thoughts are drifting towards the default setting.  That depression setting has a password I can’t hack.  I would love to give it a nasty virus but instead anxiety attacks when I am in stand-by mode.  I believe now as I write that the anxiety has definitely disguised the depression signals I usually get before Ketamine day.  I recognize that all of these feelings will only multiply if I wasn’t on my way to get my treatment today.  I spiral quickly once that force field shuts off.  I am so appreciative of Ketamine.  I am.

It is all just too much lately. The last several weeks have not been pleasant at all.  I am exhausted.  I am fearing what the results will be if this pain and anxiety doesn’t cease.

Ketamine can only do so much.  It doesn’t combat all evils, but I like to think it does enough……

I will be heading out to my appointment.  Soon.  I am sure I will get the help I need and my writings will reflect the difference.  I seriously don’t make this shit up.  It is like night and day. Two different people carrying the same baggage.  The Ketamine keeps that mess locked up tight in a gorgeous designer bag.  The days leading up to my treatment, that baggage is kept in a used torn plastic garbage bag; everything just bursting at the seams and utterly ugly.  Man, I can’t wait for that shift.

However,  I know once that shift occurs, I have to take on my most challenging obstacle since discovering Ketamine for Depression; my anxiety.  It is trying to eliminate me.  I must ask for help.  That is not a strong trait of mine.  I have no choice.  I will die if I don’t deal with my shit eventually.  It hurts.  I am afraid.  I might need more support and assistance than I care to admit.

Something tells me it is time to open the designer bags and root around for the button to detonate the anxiety before it eliminates me.  This may require a treatment plan I don’t want to follow.

Do I want life?

The Ketamine lifts the depression, but the years of turmoil still have to be waded through and put to rest.  I have been dancing around enjoying the colors.  I think anyone would.  Darkness is no way to live.  The anxiety threatens my colorful world.  I have coped the only way I felt worked for me.  That method has failed me and I am on the edge.  My thoughts are bleak.  I can’t breathe.  I am overwhelmed.  I feel so alone.  I am at risk.

I see my doctor later today and I will unfortunately have to take drastic steps to rescue Susan, because when I looked in the mirror earlier today I didn’t recognize myself.  The colors are grey and my eyes empty.  I won’t lie, I am afraid.

However, I will speak up, stand tall and work through it because like Robert Frost and Alanis Morissette like to remind me – the only way out is through….. Unfortunately.

I fight against any other medicines besides Ketamine.  I resent all the side effects I have had over the years. I don’t experience any with Ketamine.  I fear becoming a zombie.  I don’t want to lose myself again.  I have lost so much this month; I can’t lose Susan, too.  I will get the help I need.  I can advocate.  I must keep myself safe.  I must because my husband and son told me today that they want to wake up tomorrow knowing I am still a part of their world.  I will battle for them until I am strong enough to wage this war for me and only me,

Ketamine will lift these suicidal thoughts and depression, but now it it time to get real about the anxiety before it ruins me.  It feels so over bearing and powerful.  I am on a journey.  I wish it just didn’t hurt so deep and cost even more.

I totally enjoy writing.  I love it.

Do you know that feeling when you are looking forward to a particular event or task and then you fall ill the day of ?  I do too.  I am drained.  I am flat out depressed.  I want to write more and inspire but my arms feel like concrete.  I am getting my Ketamine shot tonight.  I am incredibly grateful.  I am so in need.

I feel a heavy weight on my chest.  It hurts to breathe.  My day was filled with questions and uncertainty.  I was involved in several panic attacks today and my insomnia is out of control.  I feel that with the depression comes paranoid beliefs.  My world is filtered with some obscure dirty lens.  I can pull back the camera and wipe the lens clean and the reality around me is still utterly foggy.

I begin to think people are against me.  I search for all the behaviors to support these thoughts. I was never aware that I did this until maybe a year into my Ketamine treatments.  Ketamine opens my eyes to my flaws, but more successfully it allows me to see myself in a positive light.  And now the anxiety is biting for control.  I can’t win.

Depression tears down your self esteem and desire for life.  It makes you hate, yes hate, everything you are.  I feel unnecessarily weak in character.  I lack my usual confidence.  The self assurance I have gained from being free of depression following my Ketamine shots.  I can’t wait until I can feel that calm and reassured again.

When I get this low. I still find myself afraid that this time the Ketamine therapy won’t work.  I am not as terrified as I was two and a half years ago, but I am a natural worrier.  Plus, I know now what being without depression feels like.  I can’t go back.  I fear what would happen to me without Ketamine.  When the depression steals my attention I can only focus on disastrous self-destructive thoughts.  I find depression’s best friend, anxiety wants my soul and mind in creative ways depression couldn’t even fathom.

I have also noticed that colors are not as bright.  It is as though I am walking through quicksand.  The world and the people in it are all moving and showing all appearances of living but I walk around in a haze; suffocating.  I am drowning.  I don’t feel like I am a part of society. I am an invisible visitor.  I only desire to find my safe place; this often means thoughts of suicide.  Ketamine is my life preserver.

I watch people talking and I believe they are judging me.  I am convinced the world is against me.  It horrifies me to know that I willingly believe that every single person in the universe hates me.  I understand the whys.  I loathe depressed anxious Susan.  I can’t phantom anyone appreciating me and my mental health issues.  I surely don’t.

Ketamine is needed.

And more.

I fear more is needed this time.

I truly believe that we all have to advocate for ourselves.  The more informed we are the better we can address the issues and know what to expect.  Ketamine is not like other antidepressants.  It doesn’t have side effects to deal with.  However, the therapy itself might be something you have to adjust to.  I will explain more when I am functioning on all cylinders.  I am surprised I was able to blog at all today.  It was a struggle.

While I work on my recovery feel free to catch up on a few on my past blogs If you are interested in educating yourself on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression. You can check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 2.5 years.

My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression  I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine versus Ketamine Infusion therapy.  In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random.  I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.   In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain, from any qualified healthcare professional.

In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into.  It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms.  If you or someone you know are considering Ketamine infusion therapy, please visit the Boise Ketamine Clinic website for low cost ketamine infusion and injection options.  If you are not in the Boise, Idaho area I suggest approaching a local professional and start educating them on the benefits of Ketamine.  It doesn’t hurt to ask for what you need.  You can also visit my Ketamine Provider & Location List to find a provider in your area.

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